Saturday, January 30, 2010

Historic Document Found

Remember my post ages ago on getting rid of clutter? This week I've been doing a major cleaning out and reorganization of my linen closet. The last time anyone completely cleaned out this closet was...well, here's a newspaper clipping I found in the back corner under old pillowcases marked "Holiday Inn."

(Clipped from the Montella Gossip, Ides of March issue, A.D. LXXVII)

By Marthus Stewartus

Most of us, when we think of towels at all, only curse our local Roman baths, where there never seem to be enough towels to go around. Yet, these small bits of cloth can be wonderfully versatile and stylish. Here are tips for all the hills of Rome:

1. A folded towel beneath your elbow as you recline for meals will protect you from the chill and hardness of the marble. Not to mention absorbing the wine that runs down your arm.

2. A towel makes a great toga accessory. Large beach towels with the likeness of Flavius Josephus are very popular right now.

3. Use towels to rally on your favorite gladiator or lion. (Never rally on Christians--it isn't done.)

4. If Vesuvius should blow its top again, a towel tied around your nose and mouth will keep out volcanic ash. Since you'll likely asphyxiate anyway, chose a warm red shade to bring out the fading color in your cheeks.

5. Towels are great for stopping up holes in your aquaduct.

6. When you've had a rough day lugging stone jars of olive oil and wine home from the market, and hubby's first words to you are, "Spaghetti? Again?", wet a towel, roll it diagonally, and whack him wherever it hurts most.

7. Use towels to pay taxes, especially if you stole yours from the Emperor's hotel chain. That way you're just giving to Caesar what's Caesar's.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

ubi possum parare mantelem cum similitunine Flavii Iosephi?


Member, Delaware Valley Mystery Authors