Monday, July 20, 2009


For some reason, my unmarried friends come to me for advice to the lovelorn. You'd think it would have dawned on them by now that they need advice because they've been listening to people like me. Anyway, below is my gem of wisdom on how one should avoid linking up with an axe murderer. Women, take heed.

Axe murderers are EVERYWHERE these days. Axes, after all, are fairly cheap and available at every Walmart--just ask the author doing a signing over in Hardware next to the wing nuts.

So what do you do? Sure, it might help to avoid guys who are obvious cut-ups, plus those with chiseled features and furrowed brows, but prudence dictates that one view every new beau as a likely psychopath. However, this need not restrict your social life. After agreeing to a date, simply follow these precautions:

1) In your purse carry a hand-held metal detector and a supply of tourniquets.
2) Insist on a restaurant that puts no sharp implements on the table (Chinese is usually safe).
3) Don't order chops.
4) If you're keeping company with a computer techie, avoid the subject of hacking.
5) If he's a plastic surgeon, don't let him talk cleavage.
6) If he's recently been laid-off, don't ask about his severance package.
7) After dinner, miniature golf is not recommended, especially if your escort has a tendency to slice.
8) Bowling might be better, as long as your date never gets a strike.
9) Always carry enough change to call a taxi, because the last thing you want to do is ask your date for quarters.

Peace (as opposed to "piece"),

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